Do I forgive?

Susan (in my current anger I call her my egg donor) and I haven’t spoken since June. It started because she boycotted my son’s high school graduation. The details her reasons and her lies don’t really affect the point of this blog. It was the final straw in a very co-dependent, strained relationship with her. I had had enough. She boycotted my son’s (her FIRST grandchild) graduation.

Not speaking to her has actually been good for me. Avoiding her self induced drama has been a relief to me. Less stress on me, less everything. Don’t get me wrong…I miss her. On her good days, she was my best friend. On her bad days (and there were a lot of them), the bain on my existance, my cross to bear.
My brother has been bugging me to start speaking to her again. He lives in California, and therefore avoids the daily drama of her life. Every phone call, he worms the subject into the conversation.

Last night, we had friends over for dinner. They are new friends and therefore the “new friend” questions are asked. Where did you grow up, how many brothers and sisters, etc. We got on the subject of parents. The husband asked about my parents. I informed him my father has been dead since 1999, and that my mother lives in Lake City (a 10 minute drive from my house). He asked if we had a good relationship. Joshua started laughing. I informed our guest that my mother and I hadn’t spoken since June and explained why. His next question has been egging at me all day. “What if your mother dies, won’t you regret not making peace with her?”, he asked.

What if she died? Would I regret? I am not being petty, like a child stomping her feet for not getting her way. Without the gory details, my relationship with her has never been the typical mother/daughter relationship. Should I swallow deep and just pick up the phone? My gut says no. SHE is the one who owes me an apology. My son, didn’t really care she wasn’t there (Mike has been disappointed in her so many times growing up that he is immune).

Since we have had this “parting of the ways”, she hasn’t called either on of my children. Not at Christmas, not to see how they are doing, nothing. I do not understand how you can do that.

So, this is what I have been mentally chewing on the last 24 hours. I think I am right with the way I feel. Not right in the sense that I am right and she is wrong, I feel right and ok with the way I fell about this situation.

The Story of Jesus and the House on Cliff Street

Joshua and I have never been particularly religious. I guess if you had to “Label” us, we belong to the church of “Believe-in-whatever-you-want-to-ism”. Live and let live. Joshua was raised Methodist thru his grandparents. As for me, well….my Grandfather was Jewish, my Grandmother Catholic. Neither practiced their faith. Having been raised on military bases most of my childhood, I attended the non-denominational base church when and if my mother could stick a piece of dynamite up dad’s ass to take us to church.

Joshua and I have raised our children with open minds regarding organized religion, but going to church has never been on our priority list. We would rather commune with nature and be with our family.

Back in the 70’s, a style of wood craft was to take a block of wood and create words with the negative spaces with a different colored wood. So when you looked at the piece, the created word was in the backspacing of the piece (did I explain that well enough? If not, it’s really not that necessary to the story).

So, when we bought our new house on Cliff Street 3 years ago, the only thing in the house from the previous owners was this Jesus sign we found up in one of the bedrooms. When we found it, we both looked at each other as to what to do with this Jesus sign. Neither of us really cared for it, but it seemed bad juju to throw Jesus away. So eventually, Jesus was relegated to many different places during the remodel. The sign ended up finally resting upon the wood framing of one of the living room windows. That’s where it’s been for 3 years.

Yesterday, a woman called me for some sewing repair work. She asked where I lived so she could come over and drop off the items to be sewn. I told her I lived on Cliff Street in the green house on the cliff. “Oh”, she says, “that was my grandma’s house”. REALLY? How cool. So Linda comes over last night to bring the sewing items, and I give her a tour of the house. She told a few stories about her grandmother, and it was an enjoyable visit. Linda was impressed with the remodeling we have done. I was happy she was happy with what we had done with her grandmother’s home.

As we were saying our goodbyes, I glanced up and sitting on the window frame was Jesus. I asked her if she knew who it belonged to. She told us that her grandmother had purchased one for each of her grandchildren and it belonged to her brother and his wife (the final familial owners before we bought the house in foreclusure). I asked her if she would like it back to take to her brother. Yes, so she took it home with her.

So Jesus is no longer in our home. He is gone with no bad juju and will be reutrned back to his rightful owners.

Walt Disney World and the Northwestern Marching Band

On January 15th, Joshua and I embarked on a trip to WDW with the band. We agreed to chaperone months ago. It was a great trip. We had a great group of girls, Melanie, Allyson, Erica and Alyssa were all well behaved fun fantastic little chicas. It was a pleasure to be there. I posted the pics to flickr, my username is sewbrandysew if you’d like to check them out. 3 days in Florida, Joshua and I DEFINITELY didn’t want to come home. Having not been to the state in 16 years, it was almost a homecoming (save the 8 hour drive south to Key West) for us.

Thinking Ahead

This was the first week I have let myself think of Fall. I have spent the summer thinking of Mike and Mel and their changing lives. Mike is leaving for college in a week. Melanie is drum major for the band, starting her junior year, and taking college courses already. I have tried not to think of the after. I didn’t want to fall apart. But the last few days, I have let myself think of the after. After Mike leaves for school, my grocery list will change. Mike has always been a meat and potatoes kid. When he’s at school, I can buy salmon, and not save it for a night he’s got plans. I can cook more exotic foods. Melanie loves to try new foods. Mike, not so much. I won’t have to buy beef. Josh, Mel and I have all converted to ground turkey….Mike was the holdout.

When he is at school, we only have one kid to shuffle to activities. No more drama practice or wrestling gyms or fantasia rehearsals. Just band and art club and guitars and strings. Less items to put on the calendar. I have spent the summer thinking of the things I will miss. It did not occur to me that there will be things that I could look forward to. Like less running, less laundry, less food (the boy can EAT). More time to spend with Joshua, and time with Melanie (although at 16, it’s the last thing on her to do list, but I can hope). I can chaperone band competitions on Saturdays and not worry where he is or did he remember to do the dishes, feed the dog. Or feel guilty that I have spent every Saturday from Sept thru Oct being gone with the band.

Maybe this whole kid at college thing will be good. Don’t get me wrong, I will miss all these things. But he will be great at Pitt. He will do amazing things with his life. And possibly, with less mundane “things” to do, maybe I could concentrate more on myself and my issues (God knows I have plenty to choose from). Or take a Monday night class.

I will try to remember these things as we move him into his new digs, as we drive away and leave him at school. He isn’t planning too many home weekends before Thanksgiving. Maybe that’s a good thing, for me and for him. He can adjust to his new life, concentrate on school, meet new people. I can adjust to one teen’s social life, and concentrate on new things too.

Doin’ Your Job Well.

When you have a child, you envision what life has in store for them. Will they do well in school, what sport will they play, will they play music, will they, will they, will they??? You HOPE their life is one of substance and purpose. My son, my first born, barely survived his first 2 years of life. Mike was born with a congenital heart defect that nearly killed him several times, and kept his father and I in a constant state of alert. Friends were afraid to babysit, for fear of another “episode”. His treatment aside from drugs was barbaric. His heart would break thru the medications and beat at 280-300 beats a minute. Babies usually have a heartbeat of 120-180. To treat this, they would wrap Mike up papoose style, and dunk his head in a tub of ice water. This sudden shock-like reaction would stop the heart and in theory re-start the heart at a normal rhythm. This was supposedly a less traumatizing treatment than using “the paddles”.

As a result of this, my “will they” game for Mike became “will he live to his third birthday”, “will the next episode be the last”, “will he ever take a bath or learn to swim” he was terrified of water. On April 1, 1993, Mike had heart surgery at the Children’s hospital at the Medical University of South Carolina. He was the youngest child his surgeon had ever performed that type of surgery to. After the surgery, we attempted to create as normal of a childhood as we could. Mike stayed small, but grew up to be a normal kid. He remembers nothing of his medical nightmare, save for a few scars on his leg, neck, and femoral area. When I think back to those dark days of his life, it is difficult to not shed tears remembering his pain and ours.

Mike is now 18. He just graduated from Northwestern High School. He leaves for college in 2 weeks. My “will they” game has changed drastically in 18 years. From “will he live” and “will he get better” to “will he love college” and “will he remember to come home sometimes, with or without laundry”. I hope that my “will they” game will evolve to “will he marry Dani” and “will they have children”. Someday, I hope. For now I am happy he is alive, a caring smart young man, and ready to start the next part of his life.

I guess the best that you can hope for as a parent is that you teach your children what they need to know about life and love, so that when it comes time for them to leave, they can go.

Where the hell did summer go?

I have lived in the Erie area for 11 years. I am used to the local phrase, “if you don’t like the weather, wait 5 minutes, it will change.” But I have to admit…I am simply pissed that it is the middle of August, and we have yet to get a good day to go to the beach. I have had 2 outdoor shows this summer, The Erie Festival of the Arts at Liberty Park, and Dan Rice Days in Girard. It rained at both. The wind blew so badly at the Arts show that I broke my tent. My new tent did NOT enjoy the constant pushing on it’s roof to spash down the rain we got at DRD. I attempted a yard sale a few weeks back. it rained all weekend. With the exception of selling the door we bought from the auction (I bought the wrong size), I made less than $50. Joshua’s company picnic was last Sunday at Waldameer. It just happened to fall on the hottest, muggiest day we have had all year. We stayed less than 4 hours. I can deal with the nutty weather this area produces in the winter, but it is seriously fucking with my summer. Even my husky, Kira, is tired of the Cybil like weather. She is the only husky I have ever known that hates water. She won’t even consider stepping outside if the grass is wet. She steps onto the concrete as long around as she can before she has to llay her paws onto wet grass. OK, I guess I am done whining about the local weather. There is an Arts/Craft show at the Harborcreek fire hall Aug 29 & 30. It is an indoor show and supposed to be really nice. If you aren’t busy, come down and see me. I could use a good show experience after the last two. Peace.

Where the hell have you been?

This is a question I have been hearing a lot lately. I don’t really have one particular reason for my online and occasional real life absence. It’s been a lot of things, really. Mike is graduating in 3 weeks from high school. So you know that means lots of planning, invitations, mailings, and a lot of talking to people I don’t like, but it’s a small town and I have to be nice. Mike’s track season for him, Mel’s hand bell concert schedule (she performed with the Erie Jr Phil a few weeks ago). Melanie had a wickedly twisted break up with her first love, that took a while with lot’s o’ drama (not hers, just him pulling her chain and his family). Our giant burmese python died the Saturday before Easter. We buried him in the yard and planted a purple rhodi in his honor. Joshua has a new schedule at work that is driving him and I both a little nutty. Lindy (don’t think I’ve mentioned her before, but she is my mother’s sister, the cool one) and I have started a business. Designing and sewing clothing, handbags, wallets, baby items, jewelry, etc. This is the first week since February that I have not been at one or more of my machines on a daily basis. We are putting together an online store that will hopefully be up and running in a few weeks.

My calendar for this week is also full. An honors banquet tonight, where both M & M are getting recognized for something (I am hoping a scholarship for Mike, keep your fingers crossed), tomorrow Mike is getting his tattoo from Johnny at Karma Tattoo. Since Mike’s 18th bday was on mother’s day….we gave him his tat for his birthday and he is giving me a small one for mother’s day. Not your typical mother’s day fare, but I have never been the typical mother, either. Thursday is actually a down day which can prep me for Friday when I am chaperoning Mel’s Accelerated Bio class to the Cleveland Zoo. Saturday, the Guitar and Strings concert is being held in the Albion Boro Park. G&S is an informal music club at Northwestern. All the kids are pretty talented. Melanie and her friend, Melanie, have written a song and will be performing it in a 6-7song set. I am WILDLY excited to throw down a blanket, and listen to some awesome music. The concert starts at 1 if you want to join us. Bring a picnic and chill with the cool kids on Saturday!

I am sure I have left out a lot of detail but this is a quick and dirty version of why I have been MIA for the last few months.

Peace!

Contamination Nation, part 2

Well, it’s Tuesday and Joshua went back to work last night. He is still achy and sore, but digestively sound. Mike is also still sick but he has his college classes on Tue and Thur, so he went to school today. So it’s just me still working on laundry from the great vomit-o-thon, and mel is still home.

On a high note, the cable guy is here installing CABLE!!!!!!! We agreed when we moved in that the choice was broadband internet of cable, we all chose internet.

Have a great day!

Contamination Nation

WARNING- this is not for the weak of stomach…

All is not well in the Vadney house. Yesterday morning, Joshua the husband woke up to an urgent need for the bathroom (I’ll spare details). He laised around until 10, then went to bed and did not wake up until 830. This is monumental, he never naps that long. He wakes up to tell me he has been shivering and everything aches. You have the flu, I tell him….No I don’t…whatever. So we go to bed at 930, and he sleeps all night through. I wake at 430 (it’s not intentional, my body and it’s pharmacy have designated 430 to be my wake up time) and go downstairs. As I am passing Mel’s room, her bed is stripped and she isn’t in there. Oh great, I am thinking the dog made a deposit on her blankets last night. This was NOT the case. I find Mel on the couch, shivering despite the massive amounts of fleece blankets on her. She proceeds to tell me that sometime last night, she woke suddenly and knew she wouldn’t make it to the bathroom, so she threw up into her blanket. Then she says she has done it 5 time more since. Great, 2 peeps with the flu. I get her some Immodium and some dramamine, hoping to stop her explosive upper and lower issues. Just before she falls asleep, she tells me that Mike was also up last night and that they were taking turns in the bathroom. WONDERFUL!!!!! 3 peeps with the flu.

So, I seem to be the only one not sick, therefore taking care of everyone else. It’s been a few years since more than one of us has been ill at the same time. Gotta go, I have more blankets to wash. What a Monday….

Advice needed from mothers of young ones

As my children have grown older, their interests have gone from power rangers and barney to IPods, cell phones, and xbox…I am mostly ok with that. But I think I am losing my connection to what little kids like.

My dearest friend, Christine, is having her son’s 6th birthday party this Saturday. Billy is a great kid and very much a part of you family. Since he and his sister were born (Ana is 4), all of their gifts from me have been handmade (don’t conjure up images of Ralphie and Aunt Clara’s gift, I am MUCH cooler than that).

So Billy’s party is less than a week away and I spent today crocheting this:

I was pretty impressed with myself considering it took less than 4 full hours to complete. Then my 17 year old son walks in the room and asks who it’s for, I say Billy’s birthday. So my son proceeds to tell me Billy is too old for a dinosaur and I should think about a trip to ToysR Us. I was heartbroken.

Any suggestions or comments would be greatly appreciated.