The Rainbow After the Storm, and other things I am waiting for.

A friend told me long ago that there is always a storm before the rainbow.  I have been thinking about that a lot lately, wondering when my storm will be over and I can enjoy the rainbow.  My depression is back in a serious way, and any coping reserves I had are kaput.  I am sleeping too much, my temper is on a one inch string, I am crying when there is no reason.  Joshua took me to the docs yesterday and they both decided that I do not need another trip to the hospital.  It was weird seeing the two of them deciding what I needed.  It was kind of offensive to me, but I was too upset to bother raising the issue.  This sucks.  It’s summer, I should be happy.  The sun is mostly out, I have a garden that is going to produce lots of tomatoes and pumpkins and zucchini.  The kids are both healthy and happy.  Even with my bullshit, I think Joshua still loves me.  He’s pretty pissed at me right now because I fucked up our expenses again.  I can understand his frustration.  He’s working his ass off, and if you look at it from the outside, I am the one sabotaging our climb out of this debt hole we’ve managed to fall into.

Our tenant at the trailer hasn’t paid rent since May, we are in the process of evicting her.  The kids and I had to go over there Wednesday and mow the lawn and pull weeds.  Her van was in the driveway, but she never came out.  Mike didn’t want to mow because he knew she worked nights and was probably asleep.  As politely as I could muster, I explained to him that she was 2 months behind on her rent and I didn’t give a shit if we woke her up.  The grass was 6 inches high and there were weeds almost as tall as me in the flowerbeds.  That really upset me because in the 8 years we lived in that huge trailer, I took immaculate care of the yard and the beds.  There is probably $500 in bushes, bulbs, and perennials.  And just like the  rent, my pretty yard was missing, too.  What a bitch, we gave her a chance, and she is totally fucking us over.  I did manage to transplant some mint, oregano, and some hyacinths.  The funniest part of our visit to the trailer was that I told Mike to mow down one section of the herbal bed I had.  Well, he mowed it down, and all of a sudden we get this HUGE whiff of what smelled like a pickle pizza.  I had Oregano, basil, chives, and some dill I had forgotten about.  Due to the wind blowing a little bit, you could smell our culinary combination down the street.

And to top the week of with a great FU to Brandy, the company that carries my long term disability coverage didn’t bother to cut me a check for July.  We don’t know where it came from, but they had a return to work date in June for me.  My doc never gave them that, and now I have to wait anywhere from one week to 30 days for them to review my case AGAIN….so as if we weren’t fucked enough financially, no check for Brandy for a while.

So these are a few things I am waiting for…..sanity, no depression, rent, and an LTD check.  This should be an interesting July.