Well, it’s Tuesday and Joshua went back to work last night. He is still achy and sore, but digestively sound. Mike is also still sick but he has his college classes on Tue and Thur, so he went to school today. So it’s just me still working on laundry from the great vomit-o-thon, and mel is still home.

On a high note, the cable guy is here installing CABLE!!!!!!! We agreed when we moved in that the choice was broadband internet of cable, we all chose internet.

Have a great day!

Last Tuesday, Joshua and I had the pleasure of taking Melanie and her best friend, Becah, to Mercyhurst College to hear Frank Warren speak.  For those who don’t know (and there are still a few of you), Frank started Post Secret (www.postsecret.com).  As he declared in his presentation, he is the keeper of secrets.  The premise is that you create a postcard with whatever you choose, and tell a secret on the card.  It can be funny, serious, heartbreaking, whimsical, anything.

I have read a few of the books Melanie has, and checked the website a few times, but I was certainly blown away at this man’s creation and the viral spread of this movement.  He shared secrets from all over the world, and then asked people in the audience to venture to a microphone and tell a secret.  Some were hilarious, like the girl who told us that she always feigns sickness in church so she doesn’t have to shake hands with anyone.  Some were heartbreaking, like the young man who confessed he attempted suicide, failed, and is now addicted to psych meds and pain killers.

There was also a student there from Penn State’s main campus, and she told everyone that when Frank spoke last year at her school, some girls started to anonymously write secrets on the stall walls in one of the main restrooms.  The maintenance crew keeps painting over them, but the secrets keep popping up.

Melanie and Becah were both very happy we were able to be there.  Melanie’s senior project is a Post Secret exhibit with a main concentration of Albion and the surrounding areas.  If anyone would like to send and anonymous post card, you can send it here:

Melanie Vadney/Post Secret project

23 Cliff Street

Albion, PA  16401

Starting next week, my son will be a senior in high school.  He is registered for college classes (Gannon) on Tues and Thur as part of a federal grant given to the school to facilitate courses for high school AND college credit.  He has his books, his favorite (expensive) pens, he is ready.  I am not.

Starting next week, my best friend, Christine, will be sending her oldest child to kindergarten.  Billy is a very bright little boy, with a vocabulary way beyond his 5 years.  He did pre-school last year, so he knows the ins and outs of classtime.  Billy is ready for Kindergarten.  Christine is not.

It amazes me how our paths can be so similar and yet so very different.

There is so much change going on in my house, I am a little flustered.  Mike’s a senior, counting down the months until he is college bound.  Melanie is in full band competition mode AND she has a new boyfriend.  She went to his house this evening to eat dinner and meet his parents.  She changed her clothes 4 times today in anticipation of the visit.

Joshua is working WAY too many hours, so when he gets home, he is very tired and generally wants a beer a cigarette and the computer.  I am not sleeping again (even with meds), and it’s starting to affect my thinking and coping with all this.

Next week will be difficult for both Christine and I.  I just hope that we can support each other the way we always have, get thru it and laugh about how scared and agitated we were later on.

Your Brain Usage Profile:

Auditory : 50%
Visual : 50%
Left : 29%
Right : 70%No matter which side of your brain is dominant,
M i n d W a r e
can strengthen your emotional brain power by helping you understand how
you feel about yourself.

Brandy, you are moderately right-hemisphere dominant and have even preferences between auditory and visual processing, traits that might make people perceive you as “slightly off balance.”You are most likely to be slightly disorganized, a “dreamer” and a person who focuses more on the end result than the immediate task at hand. You are creative and spontaneous if somewhat lacking in direction and focus. You are a learner who is generally patient and a person for whom time is an ally, not an enemy.

You are more passionate than most people with regard to life and learning and recognize your own intuitive abilities. You have sufficient goal-direction to satisfy yourself and guarantee success without being or feeling driven. You are willing to be reflective about yourself and others without getting lost in rumination.

The balance of your sensory modes allows for both learning and expressive capabilities achieved by few. You are active and “seeing” while retaining an equally strong propensity for being reflective which slows you down a little but allows for a more comprehensive perception and analysis of situations and problems. You do not spend excessive time analyzing since you mostly trust your perceptions.

In all likelihood, you have a tendency to overcommit and cannot under- stand why others get upset since you operate on a different “time table” than they do. Your organizational abilities are frequently overwhelmed by the stimulation seeking and active nature of your mind as well as by the tendency to create new categories and gloss over details, making categorization and classification almost impossible at times.

To the extent that your career path allows for creativity and abstraction as well as a bit of disorganization, you should find yourself equipped to handle any learning that is required. Your own personal adjustment to your style should come naturally although you are likely to feel frus- trated by your own limited discipline and often wonder “Why?”

Mike, my son, has been a personal trainer to 2 friends, once a week for a few months now.  I have not participated for several reasons, the biggest of which is that I have been slowly recovering from gall bladder surgery and its aftermath.  So now, they are WAY ahead of me concerning strength, endurance, and general capability.  I got the go ahead from my doc a few weeks ago to start “normal” physical activity aka start moving your ass.

Mike and I discussed the different alternatives, and we settled on Budokon.  Budokon is a cross between yoga and martial arts taught via DVD by Cameron Shayne.  I have had this DVD for over a year and used it quite often when I first had it.  The 30 minute session is 15 minutes yoga poses (sun salutation, down dog, warrior I & II, proud warrior, child’s pose, etc), and 15 minutes martial arts (single, double and triple punches, squat kicks, side kicks, skipping side kicks, etc).

We agreed we would do the DVD every week day after he got home from work, and then when school starts, when he got home from school.  Yesterday was our first day.  I was gungho, ready to do what I had to do to start getting into a shape that wasn’t round.  We did the entire 30 minutes, and I was fine, only one yoga position gave me trouble.

I wake up this morning and I am SORE.  My legs, stomach, rib cage, even my arms are sore sore sore.  Who knew a little of this and a little of that would produce such a quick result.  So I go about my day, going into Erie for 3 docs appts, running a few errands, etc.  All the while I am thinking, wow, this Budokon really works.  I get home from Erie, and Mike is on his way to a babysitting job.  Whew, I think.  He’s going to be gone most of the evening, he’ll forget all about the “do it every day” agreement.  Unfortunately, Mike’s babysitting gig ended very early and he walks thru the door at 745, and says, “woman, get your workout clothes on, Budokon in 10 minutes”.  Shit….he remembered.  It was harder today, I am a little scared to see how tomorrow’s gig goes.  Well, at least I am moving….

A friend told me long ago that there is always a storm before the rainbow.  I have been thinking about that a lot lately, wondering when my storm will be over and I can enjoy the rainbow.  My depression is back in a serious way, and any coping reserves I had are kaput.  I am sleeping too much, my temper is on a one inch string, I am crying when there is no reason.  Joshua took me to the docs yesterday and they both decided that I do not need another trip to the hospital.  It was weird seeing the two of them deciding what I needed.  It was kind of offensive to me, but I was too upset to bother raising the issue.  This sucks.  It’s summer, I should be happy.  The sun is mostly out, I have a garden that is going to produce lots of tomatoes and pumpkins and zucchini.  The kids are both healthy and happy.  Even with my bullshit, I think Joshua still loves me.  He’s pretty pissed at me right now because I fucked up our expenses again.  I can understand his frustration.  He’s working his ass off, and if you look at it from the outside, I am the one sabotaging our climb out of this debt hole we’ve managed to fall into.

Our tenant at the trailer hasn’t paid rent since May, we are in the process of evicting her.  The kids and I had to go over there Wednesday and mow the lawn and pull weeds.  Her van was in the driveway, but she never came out.  Mike didn’t want to mow because he knew she worked nights and was probably asleep.  As politely as I could muster, I explained to him that she was 2 months behind on her rent and I didn’t give a shit if we woke her up.  The grass was 6 inches high and there were weeds almost as tall as me in the flowerbeds.  That really upset me because in the 8 years we lived in that huge trailer, I took immaculate care of the yard and the beds.  There is probably $500 in bushes, bulbs, and perennials.  And just like the  rent, my pretty yard was missing, too.  What a bitch, we gave her a chance, and she is totally fucking us over.  I did manage to transplant some mint, oregano, and some hyacinths.  The funniest part of our visit to the trailer was that I told Mike to mow down one section of the herbal bed I had.  Well, he mowed it down, and all of a sudden we get this HUGE whiff of what smelled like a pickle pizza.  I had Oregano, basil, chives, and some dill I had forgotten about.  Due to the wind blowing a little bit, you could smell our culinary combination down the street.

And to top the week of with a great FU to Brandy, the company that carries my long term disability coverage didn’t bother to cut me a check for July.  We don’t know where it came from, but they had a return to work date in June for me.  My doc never gave them that, and now I have to wait anywhere from one week to 30 days for them to review my case AGAIN….so as if we weren’t fucked enough financially, no check for Brandy for a while.

So these are a few things I am waiting for…..sanity, no depression, rent, and an LTD check.  This should be an interesting July.

Back in March, I was seen in the ER for upper right abdominal pain on a Sunday evening.  Bing bang boom, 3 tests later they give me a shot of dilaudid, and sent me home with instructions to find a surgeon to remove my gall bladder.  I found a highly recommended surgeon and it just so happened that she had an opening on Tuesday.   We go, I am poked and prodded.  She finally says, “I do all my scheduled surgeries on Thursday, and I have availability.  The nurse will call you tomorrow to tell you when to be at the hospital”.  Wow, 48 hours to prepare myself mentally.  It was hard, but I managed.

    After the surgery, I have several complications.  The most severe (gross part here people) side effect/complication was that I have diarrhea several times a day.  It matters not what I eat (i ate 3 bananas and NOTHING).  It’s been 10 weeks, now and I am almost back to a normal eating regimen.

    Saturday evening, I started to get a sharp pain in the VERY lower part of my left side.  The pan also felt like it was inside my vajayjay.  I took all I could until Joshua took me to the ER Sunday afternoon.  A cat scan, IV fluids, blood in my urine, and a few dilaudid shots, the doc tells me I had passed a kidney stone.  WTF?

    Trying to get back to me old self mentally has made very little progress since all I can muster energy for is recovery.  I feel like my body is revolting against the healthy foods I have been forcing her to eat.  Any thoughts?

She is STILL in her home.  My mother has not left her side since she came home from the hospital except when her own sons were home for spring break.  He had a freakin week off and only manages to see his mother not even 24 hours.  The other one came for a while and went to church then went back to Cleveland…..Just disgusted.  I am trying really hard to stop and try to view this from another perspective, but I can’t.  Tyna throws things at my mom, she even tried to bite when mom was trying to help her from the the floor to her wheelchiar.

This may sounds a little like I am Whining, and in a way, I am, so prep yourself.  I was in the ER twice (Satruday evening and monday) with sever upper abdomial pain and cramping.  I had emergency gall bladder surgery Thurday morning.

 And the twisted sense of obligation I truly believe in coded into your DNA, she will  not get  over to see me before the staples are out. 

 And just when I think it couldn’t get any worse…My mom just called to inform me that the other 2 witches of Eastwick will be here Tuesday.  Can Gall Bladder be infectious?  Just asking.  I am not up for the 1,000 question game from Sissy, the why do you still help your mom Lindy, the broken hip, sister biting Tyna, and finally, my bi-polar she’s always right DNA giver, Susan. 

Melanie turned 15 on the 5th.  She wanted a sleepover party, so we sent out invitations and the party was last night.  Despite the weather, 10 girls and my best friend and her family were able to make it.  Yesterday was the longest day I can remember in a long while.  I baked 3 pizzas from scratch, 2 cakes, and 5 dozen cookies.  The actual party was a lot of fun.  All the girls were so polite, and very giggly.  It was a terrific realization that all these girls (ages from 13 to 17) are all, smart, talented (most are in the marching band), AND beautiful.  The world is very blessed with the future of these ladies.

I don’t think anyone fell asleep before 5 am.  I am sitting here, blogging in the dining room, and  the couch, the 2 recliners, and the entire living room floor is covered in an eclectic array of blankets, pillows, the dogs, and the sleeping girls. 

What made last night very special to me is that, despite all my mental health issues lately, I was able to host the party, and the sleepover afterwards, all on my own without a single panic attack or crying jag.  This in itself is monumental.  Joshua was stuck in Springfield, Ohio and had to stay in a hotel last night.   What usually takes him 5 hours to drive took him almost 11 1/2 hours yesterday.

So, the party was a success, and I am doing ok in the aftermath.  The worst thing about last night was the weather, and the funniest thing was when Billy (my best friend’s 5 year old) very politely asked Melanie if he could stay at the sleepover, too.  All the girls did a collective “awww/giggle”, and Billy just ate up all the attention.  Eventually, we convinced him he couldn’t stay since he didn’t bring pajamas or his sleeping bag.  He seemed satisfied with this answer and went home with Mommy and Daddy.

The Erie Runners Club is hosting a 5 mile race New Year’s Day at PI State Park.  You can register the day of.  Christine and I have been training for this.  The exercise helps with my anxiety levels, and dropping a few pounds hasn’t hurt, either.  Come on down and go for it.   If I can do it, anyone can.  Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year.