The first pic was taken in January 2010 when Joshua and I chaperoned the marching band at Disney World. I was a mess. Depressed, on an obscene amount of meds, unhappy, fat…just plain miserable. The second pic was taken right after Christmas, December 2010. I am no longer suffering he demon of depression, detoxed off all meds, pseudo happy, and almost 70 pounds lighter. I am still a work in progress. Imagine what will happen in the next year.
It would be easy to say that the end of my 19 year marriage is the culprit for this change. It’s not that simple. True, Joshua and I splitting up forced me to confront many issues I had been suppressing, to take a long hard look inside, and finally the courage to make changes needed to move forward. My metamorphosis is a daily challenge. I have gone back to work. I am dating (it’s not as fun as I thought it would be). I am focusing more energy into taking care of my whole self instead of taking care of everyone else. At first, I honestly thought I was being selfish, and the guilt was overwhelming. But the light bulb finally came on and I realized that if I didn’t even have the courage to make myself a priority, how could I ever expect anyone else to consider it? Instead of seeking my happiness in what others think, I started to look inside for my happiness. What did I think? What did I want?
This last year has NOT been easy. I have made tons of mistakes, resorted to self-harm during a very dark time (a bitter and ugly leftover from my mental implosion 4 years ago), hurt the ones I love, and lost friends. But, I have also found courage, sought inspiration from truly supportive friends and family, and ended my treatment for depression (therapeutic and pharmaceutical).
To package this as the “old” me and the “new” me devalues who I was before. I am still the same person, just an alternate focus and perspective.